Feel free to explore and look at all the small details. This is an exploration of my own thought process after all, not everything will be as straightforward as planned.
I despise thinking about the future. It makes me get existential quickly. This website is my thought process when going though the differnt prompts and questions that the DIY Futures project entails. There are so many uncertainties in life, and not having control of that is terrifying. I'm a bit of a control freak. If I don't have control of something or if something happens that I didn't plan/calculate, I'll freak out and shut down. It's also been the cause of many a spiral into deep depressive episodes. And as much as I should be thinking about it, planning, preparing, ploting; at a certain point it becomes unhealthy and dangerous. I am unsure where that line is, and I fear crossing it. But I know that I can't keep avoiding it. For the longest time I was convinced I didnt't have a future. Yet here I am. In the future. So now what?
Well first let's do what the school wants to do for this project. Let's look at some classes. Because of how classes are made, these are only for next term (Fall 2024) but their general topics of interest remain the same.
I thought sharing this exercise felt important. You can see me getting existential.
I don't know a lot. I don't know an effective way to communicate the things I want to talk about in my art, and how important that is overall. Because my part practice is so personal to me and my experience, I find it very important to tell my story in a way that at least somewhat makes sense. I got close with my html project in that even though I felt like I wasn't making sense, the overall idea of confusion and loss was communicated. Though I did have to do a lot of explaining and hand holding with the experience. I've come to the realization that I focus on either very large and vague concepts, or super small details that no one else notices. I want to find a way to put them together because I feel that I've failed as an artist if I have to explain the general idea.
I don't know what I want out of a critique. I don't like most of my crits because they're never satisfying. I'm rarely proud of my work and I always feel like my crits skew towards conversations that I don't want to focus on. I know that crits aren't meant to be satisfying, and I know that none of my work is perfect. But whenever I finish getting critiqued, I feel even worse than before. I feel like I was never successful in the work that I've done. I know I can't plase everyone, especially since my work is so personal. But I always feel like what I make won't even please myself, let alone a potential audience. It hurts. It's demotivating. What do I do when I know I need the critique but my brain won't let me see it as anything but negative? I still don't know how to speak publicly. Yes, I feel I've gotten better at talking about my art, but every time I do so I for sure black out and just say shit. I barely remember actual advice/critique I get and lord knows I don't remember most of the shit I say.
I don't know how to merge together all the different media that I work in to make something cohesive. Especially with stories, I'll be able to think of different aspects in the context of certain media.
I don't know. I know I'm supposed to research and look into all these resources but like...I feel like I don't even have time to think about other people and other resources. College is about netowrking and making connections. I know this. I can't bring myself to go out there. Does that make me weak? Am I wasting time? Am I wasting money? I just can't. Why can't I? I plan for the future but refuse to act upon it. My body refuses to. My mind refuses to. I know I should. I can't do it. I know I can't. How do I maky myself do it? How do I not hate myself? Why can't I know? Why can't I remeber? I want to remember. I want to get better. I want to be better. Why can't I get better? Why am I not better?
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